In less than a month and a half I am going to be graduating. I am going to be going out into the real world. I am going to work until I die. I don't know what the point in growing up is. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to work everyday with only weekends, holidays and a couple of weeks of vacation for the rest of my life. This is awful. Goodness. To think, when you're little you just want to grow up, but once you're grown up... you just wish you were little again.

Well, December 13, 2008 is my day of adulthood. Hope you all have longer until that awful day of growing up hits you. And back to Keller and home for me until I can figure out what the heck to do with my life. It's funny... I've had 3.5 years in college to try to figure that out, but I still have no idea. Oh well, now it's time to try...

Ok, music started out as a kid with all the silly little christian kid CD's where you like learn the fruits of the spirit while singing a song. Yeah good times.

Then my mom got married and my dad was a country music fan. I absolutely hate country now, but when I was little... I wanted to be a country music singer when I grew up. I obviously won't be doing that, but I sure did sing into my karaoke machine daily. Reba and Deana Carter were some favorites. Anyway... thank goodness in 5th grade I was knocked onto the pop scene.

Fifth grade was the beginning of the Spice Girls for me, I think... Sixth grade I believe was N'Sync and BSB and I liked Britney and Christina whenever they made it in. I liked all of that until about 8th grade I think. 8th, however, is where one of my boyfriends introduced me to good music. Like think Lifehouse, Creed, 3 Doors Down and such. I liked rock from that point until I found indie. Mmm indie.

In 11th grade I started dating Josh whose best friend was Kyle. Kyle's cousin was in a band and they told me I had to listen to this guy. I did... and I liked it a lot. They told me there was a concert and I should go, so I was like sure, why not? I think I fell in love at that moment. Bryce Avary was the man of my dreams and I would never ever be able to go back. (This is in the singing sense, not the actually need to marry him sense. I mean... he is beautiful, but he also wears girl pants. And he is married girls, just letting y'all know. And his wife is pretty, so keep dreaming. :]) Ok, got side tracked, but yes... he was absolutely amazing. He had amazing lyrics that were incredibly happy, upbeat and even at times romantic. They also had a touch of God in them, though you have to dig for it. Anyway, fell in loveeee with that music at that point in time.

Well, my next The Rocket Summer concert was where I had a group of my friends go with me to Dallas. We had two car fulls and it was for my 18th birthday. It was basically amazing. See... I found another amazing band that day: Hellogoodbye. They were the group that went right before Bryce. Amazing. I fell in love with them. They too had amazingly cute, upbeat, fun music.

Since college I've stuck to rock and pop, but indie has by far been my favorite. Well, I stumbled across Lily Allen on myspace sometime last year and absolutely adored her, Imogen Heap too. I think I found them the same day actually... just randomly browsing myspace and looking for new good music. I mean, my favorite singer might be Bryce Avary, but there is something that I like about girls singing that just can't be beaten. So I liked them a lot and recently a new girl who sounds a bit like Lily Allen has come out named Kate Nash. She is absolutely terrific. I can't even explain how much I love her music. I don't think she'll overcome Bryce's number one spot, but oh man I am addicted. Her lyrics are great, her music is great, her voice is so British and pretty that I love it so much. I could just listen to it non-stop. So anyway, I'm suggesting that everyone tryout a bit of her music. Kate Nash people. And if you haven't heard of The Rocket Summer, look them up too. :]

And that has been just a glimpse (a very slight glimpse) of my music tastes from childhood until now. And I will leave you with lyrics to one of Kate Nash's songs that I adore, though it's hard to pick just one. I could place them all down here because they're almost all pretty amazing. I say almost because there are songs that are a bit too much, but mmm... some of these are great.

"Merry Happy"

Watching me like you never watched no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
'Cause I know that you did
'Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very, very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very, very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learned from you

Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do do
So I learned form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very, very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very, very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learned from you

Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do do
So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do do)

So in your life, have you ever been so sure of something to come, so sure that you want it to work out, but then something comes over you and creates an abundance of doubt, discouragement, and just plain fear? Yeah, that's about where I'm at. I just knew that I wanted to do this one thing, but now I fear doing this one thing more than anything in the world. Yes, I'm being vague on the off chance that someone specific reads this, though I doubt it. That specific person doesn't really believe that Livejournal, myspace, or facebook are worth much of their time. Anyway, so in summary I'm scared.

There are so many options in this huge world and I've already limited myself to one. I'm freaking twenty years old. Twenty! I'm not old, yet I'm already limiting myself. I don't know if I'm ready to limit myself like that. I'm just so ugh. I mean, I graduate in December, I'll be 21 and then I have these plans that might or might not happen and I can't decide whether I want them to or not. I don't know what I want. I know I care, but I don't know if I'm ready. I really hate fear.

And then last night I finally talked about all of the fear, all of the worry, all of the uncertainty and the person I talked too was great. Almost too great. It makes it hard to make a decision whenever you have such a persuasive, caring, loving person on the phone trying to help you feel better about this decision that you're going to make. All the while, you're just like... but  YOU aren't having to do it. YOU don't know how it feels because YOU don't have to worry about it. I mean, really. I'm the one in the little canoe trying to paddle upstream, but I'm pretty sure that isn't going to work because I'm a pretty weak rower. I don't know if any of this is making sense, but I know it scares the hell out of me.

So that's basically where I am. In my little canoe of doubt, fear, uncertainty, loneliness and confusion. Woo hoo for that.